Do you rate Kanye West as a supreme being, is he, for you, the high water mark of civilisation, the reason we were put upon this Earth, our hip-hop saviour? I think at times he likes to consider himself as much - music's answer to life-giving water, a man who considers himself so important he's an as yet unknown Law of Physics.

Or, perhaps, when scientists finally switch back on the LHC at CERN they will discover that the Higgs boson - the particle that will explain how massless elementary particles cause matter to have mass, known as the god particle due to its importance - well they'll discover that it's actually Kanye West, he is the thing that gives matter mass. His little face will be looking back at them, with winged angels buzzing about worshipping at the divine altar of his trendily venetian-blind-bespectacled head, and God the almighty on his righteous knees sucking Kanye's weiner like the holy trinity depended on it.

That's how important he thinks he is.

We all think cats are cute balls of fluffy fun, but there's also something sinister about them. Sometimes you occasionally glance over at them, and you catch them glaring at you, it's not the look an affectionate pet gives their master, but a steely cold look of merciless hatred and repugnance. The look a murdered child's mother gives the killer when he gets off with manslaughter - there's something untoward in that glance, something unsettling. Like the cat is exacting revenge right there in its little fur-lined skull.

Call me paranoid, call me deluded, call me irresponsible, heck you can even call me unreliable but I'm onto something here, I've been onto it for some time, all I needed was the slightest hint of validation and I've found it.

Now we've established that cats are the spawn of the unholy armies of Lucifer and are all out to massacre our families while we sleep, you need to know the tell tail (!) signs, and just what are those? Is it a destruction of feral alley cats staking out your house, maliciously tapping baseball bats on their paws - the bats themselves strewn with matted human hair, congealed blood and skull fragments? Is it a pride of lions constantly cruising by your house in a pimped-up Chevrolet Camaro, shooting you the evil eye, then pointing at you and making a slicing motion across their throats?

No, that would just be too easy; they're far more mundane, far more ordinary, so check out this list and be afraid. Get your cat, before it gets you...