Sometimes you go out to a restaurant and you remark that the food tastes like cr#p. Well for these unfortunates they could say it with utter conviction; their food really did taste like cr#p, because it was cr#p - literally.

Never upset managers or chefs at a restaurant, it's the unwritten rule of dinning out, because when it comes down to it, they're the people who are serving you the food. And if they choose to curl out a dirty protest into your dessert then by Gordon Ramsey's tiny balls, they will.

In a move that was bitterly ironic, as bitter as the finest 80% cocoa solids dark chocolate, the dessert served to these hapless souls was chocolate ice-cream! You can afford yourself a little chuckle at that, it's harsh, but funny.

It's now descended into a nasty spat, with the pub vehemently denying it, while the offended patrons try and seek damages, both accusing the other of seeking financial gain. I bet both parties can't wait to see the back of the whole damn, ahem, stinking mess. The lesson? You can't polish a turd, but you can disguise it in some chocolate ice-cream.

Until someone eats some, that is.

I thought No. 1 was going to be 'Become An Actor'. Hilarious aye, but actors work real hard, so stop laughing! Nah they don't really, they just sit about in their trailers jacking off over the fruit bowl, then occasionally venturing outside on set, farting, which is then recorded, edited, a fart noise is added, sound track is added (more fart noises), the fart cloud is digitally enhanced using lasers fired from Uranus, then it's shown to a test audience who demand a happier ending where the fart noise becomes a trombone-like sound. So it's re-edited, the sound changed and then it's ready.

Then it's shown to some very important critics, without whom the Earth would not revolve around the Sun, who applaud the actor's skill in showing the depth and exact squelchy sound of someone passing wind. It's then shown in countries the world over, its very existence halts global warming, the meltdown of the economy and provides the whole world with clean water - then, finally, deservingly, they get an Oscar.

That's fact, I should know, as I once directed Gielgud on stage as Hamlet's sweat glands, it's was spectacular!

Anyway, like I said acting's not on the list, but plenty of other great career paths are. So go check it out and find out how to get rich, without having to work, just like an actor!