You know for a while cooking, for me, got a bit mudane, a but samey, I'd used the finest ingredients from around the globe and beyond - space dust from the impact craters on Mars, flown in by NASA - scrumptious. I've had the elusive Yeti ass-truffle from the foothills of the Himalayas - delectable; ayahuasca from the Peruvian jungle, that was an interesting night, and of course the infamous yet elusive vaginal moss, only found in the outermost boglands of Scatland. Yeah you could say they were well sourced, but getting everything you want sometimes gets boring, then I discovered this recipe book.

It's revolutionised my life, my wife now licks her plate, and my balls, clean and recipes like Jerk-Off Chicken and Man-Jamburger go down as easy as a well kept mistress at every dinner party I host, and my Raviolo Of Jiz and Lobster with Spicy Creamed Cabbage With A Warm Potato & Semen Puree is a sensation!! After reading this book, my wife now often asks me to fill her meat taco with semen, she loves it!

If you don't want to believe me then just check out the comments from these satisfied and grateful cooks, who've been delighting their friends with this nectar of the gods. It's just touching...yourself. If you thought whisking cream tired your arm out, then just try whisking up some of this cream!

Do you rate Kanye West as a supreme being, is he, for you, the high water mark of civilisation, the reason we were put upon this Earth, our hip-hop saviour? I think at times he likes to consider himself as much - music's answer to life-giving water, a man who considers himself so important he's an as yet unknown Law of Physics.

Or, perhaps, when scientists finally switch back on the LHC at CERN they will discover that the Higgs boson - the particle that will explain how massless elementary particles cause matter to have mass, known as the god particle due to its importance - well they'll discover that it's actually Kanye West, he is the thing that gives matter mass. His little face will be looking back at them, with winged angels buzzing about worshipping at the divine altar of his trendily venetian-blind-bespectacled head, and God the almighty on his righteous knees sucking Kanye's weiner like the holy trinity depended on it.

That's how important he thinks he is.